May You Sleep Tonight….

*I wrote this last week…I am still trying to catch up with all my dreams… 🙂

;

It’s now 11:59 p.m. In one minute today will be finished. A new day will begin. I stare at the little body in the bed. After many tosses and turns, the lil one is finally still, yet I can feel the restlessness that is inside. I look at the clock. 12:03. This is going to be a long freakin day.

I haven’t slept yet. I look down at the clock on my phone. I have officially been up for 32 hours. Matt, the nurse, comes in to check the still one who is snoring softly. Pulse is good. Temperature is normal. You should try to get some sleep.
Thank you, I will try.

3:30a.m…that’s when they bring out the doughnuts…but you can’t buy em yet…I got my eye on that nice glazed one in the right corner

3:45a.m…walking the hallways until doughnut release time. its quiet, except for the heavy footsteps of the security guards and the occasional sound of opening elevator doors. Its kinda spooky, almost like a scene in a scary movie. I should be scared because I’m black and everyone knows that the black person is always the first to go in a scary movie. Hmmm, let me go back and check on that doughnut . Just in case.

My little glazed fellow is still chillin in the corner when I get back to the cafeteria. I pick him up and gently place him in a white parchment paper cocoon . Inhaling deeply, I can smell his sweet sugary goodness. The weird thing is that I don’t usually eat donuts because they aren’t worth me getting sick, but it looks nice in my hand. I take a bite. Soft. I take another bite. It aint no Krispy Kreme but not too shabby. I want to take another bite but I don’t. I need to be there for the lil one. I toss my half eaten fellow in the trash and head back to the room.

It’s quiet when I get back except for the clicking of the medical machines.

Up for 37 hours. Wow. I feel energized. I feel like I could run a mile or two. I am so tired, my eyes burn and feel heavy but the thoughts in my head keep my body up.

I curl up into a ball and wrap myself in the thin blanket that the nurse gave me. I want to sleep, I really do, but the steady sounds of the IV pump remind me of the heart beat that the hallucinating man heard in Edgar Poe’s poem, “The Tell-Tale Heart.” All I can hear is ticking and clicking. It fills my head. It’s all I hear. I wonder if Edgar wrote because he could not sleep. Maybe he couldn’t separate his dreams from his reality. I wonder.

Time passes. The sun breaks through the sky. Shifts end. New bright and alert faces exchange places with those with sleepy eyes who want to go home. Vitals are taken as new introductions are made. Time passes as we watch cartoons. A knock on the door. A tray of food arrives. Clear broth for the lil one. Nothing for me, the remnants of my doughnut still in my throat. My contacts are dry. I blink to refresh them. A knock on the door. The Doctor comes in to see their little patient. I heard you have been up for a while, hopefully you will be able to sleep tonight? She smiles sympathetically already knowing the answer. I nod confidently. I’m sure I will…

but I already know…until lil one is okay.

I won’t.

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A Letter to Lil Kat

Dear Little Kat,

Remember when you ate a glass Christmas ornament that cut the inside of your throat all the way down? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Remember when that rusty nail went through your foot and you fell into the metal fan that cut your eye open? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Remember when you got Mono and had to miss recess for half of the school year? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Remember when you failed your driving times three times before barely passing the last one? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Remember when he didn’t ask you out? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Remember when you had to make the decision to let your dog of 17 years finally go to sleep? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Remember when you started a fire accidentally and couldn’t move due to fear? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Remember when you cried when you lost what you didn’t even know had? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Remember when you knew something was wrong? Surgery after surgery? Don’t worry. It gets better.

Trust me. At the time, you will think that this is the worse thing that could ever happen to you, but know that there will be other moments that will take its place. You will survive them and become stronger because of them.

So don’t worry. It gets better.

Love,
Big Kat