Why do I keep making these dayum movies?

Because…
And I’m gonna tell you…

When I got sick back in 2008 (see my About Me page :))  I thought I could manage it.  I truly did.  I shrugged it off, No big deal.  I would continue to eat.  Run.  Be normal.  Then…
I couldn’t deal with things.
A glass of wine became two…then three…
Silence was a day…then a week
Fullness needed cutting

I needed help. I needed to talk. I needed to let it all out…and I did. I humbled myself. I let myself heal. Today, I take one day at time….Today, I write. Today, I laugh…Today, I am back to…ME 🙂

So, today, instead of a drink or quietness or a cut…I make funny Buddy movies…and, that’s pretty okay by me 🙂 Please check out Buddy’s Page
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UClgeBR0gdA4H4cCWS4Vn0kQ?feature=mhee

And now…enjoy (cuz I do :))the next Buddy installment… (hopefully fix, and I made all this fuss)

The Meeting

Just Gimme My Sweatpants

1959 Series Logo

I remember a time in my life that New Year’s Eve meant hitting the town hard, searching for a great place to party…now it means hitting the couch hard in my elastic pants, sweatshirt (and lil cubes of cheese) watching the Twilight Zone marathon.  And I love it!  Anyway, I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful, happy, safe and prosperous 2013.  I thank everyone who visited my blog this year, I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I have enjoyed writing; it has been a fun journey so far & I appreciate you allowing me to share a lil bit of my life with you.  See ya next year!

Kat 🙂

May You Sleep Tonight….

*I wrote this last week…I am still trying to catch up with all my dreams… 🙂

;

It’s now 11:59 p.m. In one minute today will be finished. A new day will begin. I stare at the little body in the bed. After many tosses and turns, the lil one is finally still, yet I can feel the restlessness that is inside. I look at the clock. 12:03. This is going to be a long freakin day.

I haven’t slept yet. I look down at the clock on my phone. I have officially been up for 32 hours. Matt, the nurse, comes in to check the still one who is snoring softly. Pulse is good. Temperature is normal. You should try to get some sleep.
Thank you, I will try.

3:30a.m…that’s when they bring out the doughnuts…but you can’t buy em yet…I got my eye on that nice glazed one in the right corner

3:45a.m…walking the hallways until doughnut release time. its quiet, except for the heavy footsteps of the security guards and the occasional sound of opening elevator doors. Its kinda spooky, almost like a scene in a scary movie. I should be scared because I’m black and everyone knows that the black person is always the first to go in a scary movie. Hmmm, let me go back and check on that doughnut . Just in case.

My little glazed fellow is still chillin in the corner when I get back to the cafeteria. I pick him up and gently place him in a white parchment paper cocoon . Inhaling deeply, I can smell his sweet sugary goodness. The weird thing is that I don’t usually eat donuts because they aren’t worth me getting sick, but it looks nice in my hand. I take a bite. Soft. I take another bite. It aint no Krispy Kreme but not too shabby. I want to take another bite but I don’t. I need to be there for the lil one. I toss my half eaten fellow in the trash and head back to the room.

It’s quiet when I get back except for the clicking of the medical machines.

Up for 37 hours. Wow. I feel energized. I feel like I could run a mile or two. I am so tired, my eyes burn and feel heavy but the thoughts in my head keep my body up.

I curl up into a ball and wrap myself in the thin blanket that the nurse gave me. I want to sleep, I really do, but the steady sounds of the IV pump remind me of the heart beat that the hallucinating man heard in Edgar Poe’s poem, “The Tell-Tale Heart.” All I can hear is ticking and clicking. It fills my head. It’s all I hear. I wonder if Edgar wrote because he could not sleep. Maybe he couldn’t separate his dreams from his reality. I wonder.

Time passes. The sun breaks through the sky. Shifts end. New bright and alert faces exchange places with those with sleepy eyes who want to go home. Vitals are taken as new introductions are made. Time passes as we watch cartoons. A knock on the door. A tray of food arrives. Clear broth for the lil one. Nothing for me, the remnants of my doughnut still in my throat. My contacts are dry. I blink to refresh them. A knock on the door. The Doctor comes in to see their little patient. I heard you have been up for a while, hopefully you will be able to sleep tonight? She smiles sympathetically already knowing the answer. I nod confidently. I’m sure I will…

but I already know…until lil one is okay.

I won’t.

Just Another Day

 

 

 

 

Just another day
In the hospital
The sound of the IV
Fluids disappearing into the skin
Ticking and clicking
Seconds turn into minutes
Hours into days
Vitals taken
Numbers recorded
Questions asked
Did you pee?
Walk the quiet hallway
Cold coffee in the hand
Sympathetic smiles
Worried faces
All hoping for answers
As they wait
In the hospital
Just another day

I wanted to share this poem from my website
For all those who need support as they endure…Just Another Day

Faded Glimpses

The last two months of my life
Have been a whirlwind
Of bright days morphing into dark nights
So seamlessly smooth
One can’t tell where one ends and the other begins
A blurred reflection
As I pass by the mirror
Glimpses of
Insomnia, Faxes, Toilets
Fear, Joy, Acceptance
Crying, Ex-lax, Hope
And Salads
Connecting the dots
Combining together
To create one image
Me

My Tummy Anniversary

Tomorrow I will celebrate
Four years without a stomach
Sometimes I want to cry
Not because of the loss of an organ
But because I can’t have chocolate cake
Anymore
Silly…but True
Chocolate cake with chocolate icing

I am so grateful for my life
I am grateful for another year
Thank you

But…
Damn I miss that
Chocolate cake
With chocolate icing

 

Pop the Pinata

I feel like a Piñata
Stuffed & filled to the top
Yearning for my bloated belly to be broken
So the contents can spill out
To be Empty
To feel Empty
Finally.

I feel like a Piñata
Except
I have no candy to give.