Anne, I Apologize. Forgive Me.

Hindsight is 20/20

When I was in high school
I watched one of my best friends
A beautiful blond-haired maiden
Who’s name started with an A-
Straddle
A dirty toilet
Everyday
After lunch
With a gray flexible hair roller
Bought from a Sally Beauty Supply-
For a mere $3.99
And in her hand
That bendable rod
She would jab her throat
Desperately
Violently
So the “calories” would come out
When she saw blood
She knew she was “clean”
She would smile at me
Brightly
Proudly
Her teeth coated with her leftover lunch
I always looked away
Confused
Because
Food in my family was something
You cherished
Never just thrown away
Like a barren bone
Without meat
We never seemed to have enough
Yet
SHE seemed so happy
Always robust
But, I knew she was empty
And never really felt full
I think of her often
As I struggle with my illness
This Chronic Disease of mine
And even when I’m so full
But, sometimes feel so empty
I think of her
So hungry
Yet, couldn’t fill the void
I think about how hard it must have been to…
Say NO! to food
Because “I want to be pretty and “I want to be thin.”
It’s easy for me to NOT eat
Because I have a reason to NOT eat-
I’m sick.
But
To be in her shoes?
Back then?
Not so easy
And for that reason alone. I apologize.
For not telling her, “You’re beautiful, the way you are”.
“You don’t have to do THIS”.
“You’re better than THIS”.

Wow
Hindsight is so 20/20.

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