I’m Special :( And You’re Not! :)

So today I found out something interesting.  I’m special.  Really special.  Really freakin special.  My doctor received the protocol for the FDA study that WOULD HAVE (possibly) jump started my colon into working more normally …emphasis on the “WOULD HAVE”.  Damn.  I don’t know who was more disappointed….me or her?  I was disqualified due to my “specialness” basically my Total Gastrectomy and Cholecystectomy.  Every person wants to hear they’re special, right?  Um…not me!  In order to be a participant of a clinical trial, you can’t be “altered” which is basically another nice way of saying…you have to have “everything” intact.  No surgery.  I know I don’t fit the study criteria…but “altered” makes me sound kinda like the Bionic Woman!  By the way, I LOVED The Bionic Woman and I never missed an episode…remember her bionic dog, Max?  He was the coolest dog…ever!  Well, besides Lassie and Benji…and Old Yeller.  Anyway.  So, am I disappointed?  Hell, yeah!  But, I know it’s not my doctor’s fault.  She had me on the list way back in 2010 as one of the 16 people who would undergo the trial.  And surprisingly, I know it’s not the government’s fault.  They just want to study a device on people who are more common than different.  And lastly, I know it’s not my fault.  Getting a gastrectomy helped save my life …and knowing all of that will help me sleep a little easier tonight even though I waited for this study, patiently, for almost a year.  I will not blame anyone…not even my body; because I believe what is meant to be will be…whether it is a colon resection or a total colostomy.  I may not like it… but I will have to learn to accept it, eventually.  So, will I cry tears of pain and sorrow at some point?  Yes…and when they do come, I won’t be ashamed or embarrassed; I will let them fall, heavy and full of sadness.  But today wasn’t that day.  Today, I am okay.  And I hope to be okay tomorrow too, and the day after…  I meet with a colorectal surgeon two days after Christmas to discuss the next step to take concerning my health.  I just hope I can channel The Bionic Woman and be strong….because through the grapevine, I heard Wonder Woman was on vacation.


One thought on “I’m Special :( And You’re Not! :)

  1. Sorry you didn’t qualify for that…bummer for sure. You’re taking it well, that’s great! I too LOVED The Bionic Woman and Max! I used to want my hair to fly behind me like Jaimies did when she ran…roflmao…I also loved the tiny scar on her top corner of her lip, so I would put an ink mark there to try to copy it…hahaha…yes, I sound like a demented stalker at the age of ten! lol I maybe “altered” like you are soon myself…I’m scared…but first I need to find docs who will tackle my complicated case….I hope I can, cuz I can’t keep suffering like I am right now….it’s making me want to just jump off the edge of the world…grr! Cool blog though…you’re educating people and bringing back fun memories at the same time! 😉

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