Pink Bubble Gum Colored Lips

I looked at her reflection in the mirror
She looked at me and smiled
She looked so young and sweet
So Innocent.  So Naïve.
Her eyes bright with energy
She seemed so happy
It’s too bad I had to burst her bubble
I knew how She was going to react
But I didn’t care
She HAD to know
I leaned towards her…and gently whispered
Be careful what you ask for…you just might get it
Her eyes suddenly darkened as She glanced at me
Then softened…because She felt so sure of herself
She said nothing
But the smirk on her pink bubble gum colored lips
Said it all
“I’m young. I’m fit. I’m invincible.”
Damn…to have a mind of a child
I sighed
Remember when you wanted to be thin?  I asked
You will be (because you can’t eat enough)
Remember when you wanted to stay up all night?  I asked
You will (because your anemia will give you insomnia)
Remember when you wanted to stay in bed all day and just watch TV?  I asked
You will (because you have no the energy to do the things you like)
“Why are you telling me this?”
Because I just think you need to know
In order to prepare yourself
So you can remember to be ready
And stay positive
When you’re in the mist of a storm
“What storm?  It’s not raining outside”
Damn…to have the mind of a child
I sighed
The storms in your life…when things are dark, thunderous…scary
And they WILL come, Sweetie
Believe me
They always do
“So, what makes you so smart?  How do you know all about my life?”
Because you’re Me…and I’m You…which means…it’s my life too
Angry eyes showed
“You’re a Bitch.” She said
She gave me the finger as her reflection disappeared like smoke
Oh, you’ll be back…I whispered lovingly
And she did come back
After the illness
After the surgery
After the storms
And I always told her the same thing
And She still didn’t believe
She came back with marks on her body
She came back with tubes in her arms
She came back thin, tired…eyes no longer bright due to lack of sleep
Trying to convince herself She was in control
With her pink bubble gum colored lips
I realized her appearance showed her denial
But I had to give her credit
Because it also showed…She was a fighter
That gave me hope
She just had to find balance
The balance between fighting for life and accepting your fate
I waited for her in the mirror
And then one day…she showed up
Thin & Tired…dry cracked lips pale…void of color
But with a sincere smile on her face
Her mouth said nothing
But her eyes said it all
You’re welcome. I say
Then she was gone
And while she does comes back from time to time
When the storms shake her to her core
She’s only there for a moment
Because She different. She understands.
She grown
Lips no longer wearing the bubble gum pink of her youth
Lips no longer dry and pale from denial
Lips moistly coated with a very mature and vibrant red
And when I see her
I’m never disappointed
Because She’s stronger than the time before
She looks as me in the mirror
As She paints her mouth a beautiful crimson red
“You’re still a bitch” She says smoothly
As She winks me
Then fades away…like an old an old photograph
I’m proud of her
For learning to weather the storms
With beautiful umbrellas
Made of patience, love, understanding…and acceptance
I’m proud of her
For learning to seek and want peaceful balance
I’m proud of her for realizing that even though bad times may still come
She can deal with anything that comes her way
Because She’s a fighter
I’m proud of her
Because She’s Me


4 thoughts on “Pink Bubble Gum Colored Lips

  1. It is very hard to explain how it is so hard to celebrate being thinner when the journey to get here would not be wished upon the most vile person on earth. I struggled with weight for decades….in a few months my weight might be a concern because it is too low.

    It is very hard to hear “you look great!”. People don’t see the feeding tube under the shirt or the hanging excess skin that seems to be everywhere. They have no idea how crappy I feel.

    Feeling good about being thin seems to be a betrayal of some type.

    I was only joking when I said I wanted anorexia for a year….

  2. Pingback: What she said…. « Life After Total Gastrectomy for Stomach Cancer (My Journey to find a New Normal)

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