Celebrating the Day that Changed My Life Forever

Tomorrow…I will celebrate my three-year anniversary of having a Total Gastrectomy…I have grown a lot as a person in the last few years, but I always foolishly think that…August 15th is going to get easier and easier for me…with every passing year, but I have to honestly say…it hasn’t…and not to be pessimistic, but I doubt that it ever will.  The grief that I feel about having…my entire stomach removed…is probably on the same level as…losing a family member or friend….because truthfully…I feel as though…I did lose a person in my life…Me. It doesn’t mean that I am unhappy or that I am not…extremely grateful for all that I went through…because…frankly, I am alive…AND…it doesn’t mean that I don’t like…who I became after the surgery…because I do.   But I will always harbor some feelings of resentment because even though, I have fully accepted that this is my life now…I didn’t become the person… I am today…by choice.  The decision was not mine…it was made for me…and even as I type that…I see the selfishness in my words, but I am just being honest.  Maybe some people don’t say what they really feel…because it makes them look “not positive” about what they are dealing with, but I would think that others who have illnesses & ailments such as Diabetes, MS, Lupus, Digestive Disorders or Cancer…might feel the same way…feel that little tinge of anger…when we think, “Why Us?  It doesn’t mean we are sitting alone in our rooms crying over our situations…it doesn’t mean we hate the world…it doesn’t mean we haven’t accepted our circumstances…or that we haven’t grown as a person, it simply means we are human…and that we are a little bit upset…that we didn’t have some say…in the hand…that we were dealt.  You would think after three years,  I wouldn’t be so dramatic about food and I would be over the anguish of not being able to eat what I want…but…given the fact that I was able to eat…without consequences…for 36 years…it DOES shock your system.  I imagine it’s like having breasts for all your life then suddenly…after a lump…they are gone.  You feel incomplete, you feel torn with mixed emotions…you feel confused…you know rationally…that medical intervention was needed to save your life, yet…it’s hard to embrace the aftermath…embrace the “happiness” that you should have…because simply…you are alive, but something is different, you are not the same person…and you won’t ever be…Ever. There are times…that I think I deserved what happened to me…I think of the years…I spent as a young adult, always worrying about…every little morsel, I put into my mouth because I wanted to be thin…popular…happy…So, I watched what I ate, being very meticulous…not for health reasons….but because of vanity.  I didn’t really appreciate what food did for me…WHAT it gave me…Energy for my brain…Energy for strength, power and movement…and  most of all, Energy for nourishment…

Hindsight is always 20/20.
I know I can’t go back…
But it’s nice to know that at least I can go forward…

So, Tomorrow, I will celebrate my anniversary…it will be a day full of bittersweet memories, but also…a day full of new-found hope because it will mark one more year…that I am  alive…and enjoying my family…one more year that I grew stronger…mentally and spiritually…one more year to fulfill my purpose on earth..
But unlike August 15, 2008…August 15, 2011 will be different, because now…I have a say…I can wake up…and the make the decision to either spend my day reminiscing & regretting the past OR I can spend my day accepting the present and acknowledging…that there will be a future…and that doesn’t mean that I have to paste a fake smile on my face, and act like everything is alright, all the time. It’s okay to have bad days, and hate the world… sometimes.
But…it’s up to me…to finally get the chance to decide..
Finally…
Because
The Choice is…mine.

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