All I wanted was an Apple

Used white paper behind apple and above apple ...

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Before I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis…I never really had to put a lot of thought into food…I ate what I wanted…when I wanted…I was 36 when I was diagnosed…which ended up being both a blessing and a curse…A blessing because although I would no longer be able to eat certain things…I did HAVE the privilege of experiencing those foods in my lifetime…to taste…relish & savor them…A curse because since I HAD the opportunity…to taste…relish & savor them…I was going to miss them…and that really sucked.  As a young adult, I lived on green salads, colorful vegetables, and bright and delectable fruits…I simply loved the freshness and the burst of zest that I encountered with every bite.  So…to be told all the things that you truly love are now a NO…NO…wasn’t a real GO…GO…and that really sucked…People with GP struggle because what works for one person…doesn’t always work for another…there are some who can eat bread…there are others that can’t…we are always trying to find our “safe” foods…and even then…they are not always safe…what goes down easy on Friday…may not go down the next Friday…and that really sucks.  I learned that there were days I was out of control…thinking about what I was going to eat…

I look at the apple on the counter
I want one
To taste the juice…as the skin breaks
Don’t pick it up
Why…torture yourself?
Why…in the hell did I buy them?
Just take a little bite…it won’t hurt.
Like hell it won’t!
Go get something you can deal with
I open the refrigerator. I look. I shut it hard.
I already know what is in there…
Open
Shut
Because I really want that apple
Open…and touch the broccoli florets softly, like they were silk.
It would taste like silk…with a lil butter on my tongue. I think…No, I know.
SHUT the DOOR!
Pace
Back and Forth
Sigh…Laugh…”How dumb is this?”
Who would have ever thought I would be crying over broccoli?
Sigh…exhausted
Open
Look. Look Hard.
SHUT IT…and WALK AWAY!
Feelings come like waves in the ocean
Wanting, hating, tasting, waiting, thinking…wanting
Over and over…like waves
Until I am sick…
Then I am pissed…
I need to breathe…
I Breathe
I Relax
I Wait
I Wait to remember that things have changed…
I Remember
I Breathe…again
I am in control…finally
I go to the cabinet…and get some soup
And give the finger to the apple as I walk by.

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2 thoughts on “All I wanted was an Apple

    • I agree with him. Your post was raw and honest. I love your blog so far! It’s amazing how you can still do a blog like this. Everything’s always a blessing.

      Good blog! 🙂
      I’ll follow! Please check my blog too!

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