Those D@mn Drug Dependent Days

I spent the night with my sister last night…before I had left for her house…which is 45 minutes away…I carelessly had packed…throwing crap into my bag, not really caring if I remembered to throw my toothbrush in there….you can always use your finger, right. We spent the night at the movies…watching Cowboys vs Aliens…um, Daniel Craig in some chaps? Can I get a what what?… finally drifting off to sleep around 3:30 am….I woke up at 6:47…but stayed still until 6:50…because I am funny about numbers…when I go to the gas station…I have to have my bill stop at a 5 (my favorite number) or 0…I like even numbers…nice, clean wholesome…round numbers…but I digress. I knew that although I have many nights of regular insomnia…and quite used to it…today was going to be tiring…so I got up to find them…THEM…being my “legal” drug that I use to get my energy…my Phentermine. Basically, it is a drug…used for a couple weeks to help those who are overweight…get a “handle on things”…in other words..you pretty much stop eating…but you still have an energy high…you can eat barely anything and yet can still keep your house clean…Phen is not even that potent…to probably others…but for me…without having a stomach…it hits me quick…and kicks in and I feel it ALL day…thank goodness I am not into illegal drugs…because…I couldn’t imagine what Crystal Meth would do to me…I shudder at even the idea. I got up lazily, and went for my ill packed bag…I dug my hand in…and felt for my little bottle…my lifeline…that allows me to feel half way normal…allows me to have some energy to play with my children…walk up the stairs without feeling winded…sometimes. They weren’t there. I am not an abuser of any medication…but at that moment…I felt the rush of anxiety that I am sure a heroin or alcoholic or gambler or porn addict must feel when their…”stash” is misplaced…taken…GONE. I emptied the contents of my bag…shaking out clothes…looking once…then twice…into an empty bag as if they were going to magically appear. I went to my purse…rifling my fingers…through lipsticks and compacts…old receipts and tissues. It’s not in the bottom of my purse. I sigh as I lean back on the couch. I am in a quandary…coffee won’t cut it today…my meal replacement smoothie…I need more than it can deliver…what I need is my damn Phen. I regroup…look back in my purse and unzip the side pocket that holds my credit cards…I already know it’s not in there…but look anyway…I was right…it’s not…BUT…there is a hole…Must have been made by a pencil or pen? my keys? Dare I search?…knowing that it holds the last chance of hope? I do…I feel…I find…I breathe…I relax. I pull them out…with mixed emotions. That moment…made me hate that I am ill and cannot control my body…That moment…made me hate that I have to rely on something to get through the day…BUT that moment also made me appreciate that unlike some people…I have a life…I am not bed ridden or in constant pain…I have insurance. I took my pill and felt the effects…and realized that although I may not like everything I going through…the way I perceive my situation has a lot to do with it…until things improve…I am going to be ill regardless…but I can either mope about stuff and be negative or be happy with what I have and be more positive…the decision is mine…and I am definitely leaning on the latter.

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